If Apple Sold Air Conditioning

Setting: A dimly lit auditorium.  The stage glows in a comforting blue light.  An unadorned black podium to the right includes to bottles of water and a miniature projector.

Scene: A tall, thin man slowly walks to center stage.  The audience explodes in wild, nearly uncontrolled applause.  The man quiets the frenzy and begins to speak.

Speaker:

“Thank you.  Thank you all.  This is an exciting day.  This is a day that I’ve been waiting for for many years.  And now it’s finally here for all of us.”

(insane applause and hooting from the audience)

“In 2007 we sat here together and I introduced a revolutionary product.  As you know that product changed the way users thought about music, their phone, and the internet–all one elegant, truly beautiful device.  But we weren’t done yet…”

(applause continues)

“We also put the power of desktop capable technology in your hands with the very first tablet and launched another revolution.  It gave freedom and power to people all around the world and it is still the gold standard for users everywhere.”

(someone shouts “We love you!”)

“And now, today, I have the privilege, the pleasure, of introducing our newest and most innovative devices ever.  We know how you want to live: smarter, more responsibly, financially secure…and comfortable.  Smart, responsible, comfortable.  Smart…responsible…comfortable…”

(an image of a glossy egg appears on the screen, slowly rotating.  Crowd erupts with applause)

“Today we are sharing another tectonic shift in the lives of people everywhere.  Three products, three benefits, one purpose.

This, my friends, is iHome.”

(raucous cheering as the image of the egg splits in to three components)

“First, we have iChill.  Never before seen advancements in design, married with graceful technological innovation that our engineering team has been crafting and perfecting for years in our labs.  Gorgeous isn’t it?  

Notice that it’s big.  It’s very big.  It’s the largest product on the market which makes it the single most efficient, cost effective, and friendly way to create an unrivaled indoor environment for you, your family, your friends.  

iChill’s exterior is a beautiful enamel in a brilliant eggshell white.  Absolutely weatherproof for any season of the year.  As quiet as a summer breeze.  Unmistakable beauty matched with leadership technology.  And look how perfectly it sits next to a home.  You’ll be proud to show this to your friends because we put so much emphasis on design.

But iChill’s heart and soul thrive inside this absolutely stunning design.  For the developers in the audience we’ve adopted inverter technology in to iChill.  Notice the eggshell white compressor, manufactured in the United States.  We call it iPump and there’s nothing like it anywhere.  iChill has the deepest catalog of 25 SEER performance that you can find anywhere.  And we’re only just beginning.  iPump has a lifetime peace-of-mind promise and, if you want to see the engineering performance data and listen to a message from an iPump engineer simply scan the QR code in your owner’s manual and listen to our team leaders.  iChill will turn the industry upside down and is the new standard for incredible indoor comfort.”

(applause.  The speaker advances the slide and an image of a lung appears on the screen)

“But iChill can’t do it all alone.  You house, you home, is a living environment.  And if your family is the heart of the home then here is the air you breathe.

We call it iLife.”

(an image of a small, glossy white cabinet appears and rotates slowly)

“iLife is the foundation of everything in your home.  It moves air gently, quietly, evenly, efficiently.  iLife helps clean your air.  You’ll sleep better, your feel better, you’ll breathe better.  You’ll live better.  iLife and iChill work together to create an indoor environment that you’ll love on the hottest summer day.  And you’ll love how you feel when there’s snow on the ground.  You’ll wake up feeling fresh, alert, and happier than ever before.  And you’ll be smiling every month when your energy bills are as low as they’ve ever been…you’ll love the financial rewards of thoughtful, responsible home ownership.

Take a look inside.  iLife depends on our Smart Fan innovation to evenly move air throughout your home all day long and all night long.  Here’s the best part: all of these incredible improvements rely on less energy than it takes to run this screen projector.  There’s never been anything like iLife and I know you’re going to love it.”

(audience applause is barely contained.  Speaker smiles, admiring the image on the screen)

“But we’re not done yet.  iChill and iLife are revolutionizing how we will live in our homes, how we’ll feel, and how we’ll create better indoor environments.  But something has to tie it all together right?  Something has to connect iChill and iLife into a harmonious whole.  I’d like to introduce the product that will change everything you know about your home’s comfort.

We call iThink.”

(an image of an egg shaped control system appears on the screen, rotating slowly)

“iThink is the brains behind the entire system.  And let’s just take a look at it for a second.  Incredible attention to detail right?.  The same eggshell finish you’ll find on iChill and iLife.  And it’s thin.  iThink is the thinnest control system on the market.  It rests perfectly on any wall in your home without any awkward bulk.  The gorgeous egg shape fits the palm of your hand and we’ve arranged the touch controls ergonomically rather than awkward grids and rows.  iThink functions remotely.  If you live in Arizona but are working in Toronto you can ask iThink to have your home perfectly cool and serene when your kids come home from school on a scalding August afternoon.  iThink partners perfectly with iChill and iLife to make this happen.  Think about it: your pipes will never freeze, your home will never overheat, you’ll never miss work for a service call, you’ll always know when it’s time to replace a filter…iThink does it all for you so you can have your life back without any nuisances.

And here’s the best part.  We’ve integrated our voice recognition technology in to iThink.  No more manual programming.  None.”

(crowd roars to life!!)

“Simply tell iThink what you’d like and when you’d like it and the software takes care of the rest.  When you want your home to be 75 degrees simply stand next to iThink and say “75 degrees.”  It’s that simple.  It’s that beautiful.  It’s that easy.

iChill, iLife, iThink.  Smart, responsible, intelligent, comfortable.  Smart…responsible…intelligent…comfortable.  We’ve never been able to accomplish so many wonderful improvements in our homes and in our lives.  Smart products that help us live more responsibly by utilizing the finest intelligence in the world.  All for a simple reason: To be comfortable. To live comfortably.  To live better.”

(someone yells “Where can I get one?”  The speaker smiles)

“iChill, iLife, and iThink are all available today, on-line.  Our iHome app allows you to correctly size your system, connects you with an iHome partner who will install the product for you, and allow you to complete the entire transaction on-line.  It’s an absolutely frictionless process.  Your receipt, warranty paperwork, rebate filing, product brochures, and customer service contacts will be emailed to you so you don’t have to wait for anything.  For those of you who want to see the product you can visit our iHome locations where our iHome team will walk you through each amazing product if you’d like.  We’ve done everything we can to make this as simple as possible so you can enjoy these products today.”

(the audience stands to its feet, an ovation begins)

“Oh, and one more thing…”

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s